Here is a transcript of Conan O'Brien's opening monologue as well as the opening video at tonight's premiere of his late-night show on TBS.? The clip features dramatizations of Conan's telling NBC brass to "go to hell" for trying to move him to 12:05 AM and of him taking TBS' offer for "much less" as well as a Godfather spoof and scenes with Jon Hamm as? Don Draper from Mad Men and Larry King as Conan's guardian angel.
Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, “Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.”
Welcome to my new show, “Conan.” ?People ask me why I named the show “Conan.” ?I did it so?I’d be harder to replace.
This is an exciting night. ?I’m glad to be on cable. ?The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.
And things are going well already. ?I’m happy to report that we’re already #1 in TBS’s key demographic --- people who can’t afford HBO.
I’m going to be honest: ?It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. ?So that’s why I left NBC.
But the weird thing is this: ?I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight. ?So I get this job at eleven. ?Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended --- so right now it’s basically midnight. ?In fact, it’s 12:05.
A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air --- and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke.? But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.
TV Editor Nellie Andreeva - tip her here.
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